The Best and Worst Valentine's Presents

January is over, and you know what that means: every store you visit will be overflowing with hearts and candies. Plus, those teddy bears with lifeless, glassy eyes that are just waiting for someone to end their suffering.

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Kill me.

If you are single, Valentine's Day is an awkward reminder that you are one year closer to adopting a basketful of cats. However, as anyone in a relationship will tell you, it's no fun figuring out what to get your significant other for Valentine's day. That's why I've decided to make it easier for everyone: behold, the worst and best valentine's gift ideas, for you or someone else:

The Worst Valentine's Day Gifts

#1: Chocolate Candles

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Look at these scrumptious, dark chocolate truffle cupcakes, covered with drizzle and full of red velvet cake goodness----wait, you can't eat them? They're just candles? Screw this.

#2: Heart Gelatin Mold

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Har har, here's my heart. On a plate. Made of Jell-o. What do you mean, you lost your appetite? It's anatomically correct!

By the way, notice that you only get the Jell-o mold when you buy this gift. Which means you aren't even buying an edible present. You just get half of a biology student's plastic organ set.

#3: Puzzle Valentine

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Worst-case scenario: You present him with this puzzle first-thing in the morning and force him to piece it together right away, because your Valentine's message is buried somewhere in the puzzle pieces. He spends the next hour on the floor---struggling to remember his first-grade motor skills---while still in his pajamas, with his stomach growling.

Best-case scenario: He looks at the box and sees that there are 100+ pieces standing between him and breakfast. He thanks you for the present and hugs you, distracting you from the fact that he has discreetly tossed your gift in the corner with the gym socks.

The Best Valentine's Gift Ideas

#1: Toast Messenger

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This nifty little invention lets you write a message on your toast. Just use the pen and scribble away on the top of the lid, and the toaster will burn that message onto your bread! Valentine's Day breakfast suddenly got a lot cuter and more personalized.

Bonus: Once Valentine's Day is over, draw your ex's face onto your toast AND CHEW THAT TOAST UP.

#2: Dictator Valentine's Cards

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Offensive? Of course. But to a comrade with the same political/satirical views as you, it's a goldmine of historical references.

#3: Chocolate Fondue Fountain

On a budget? No problem. At only $35, this chocolate fondue fountain is the investment gift to beat all Valentine's gift ideas: just be sure that your valentine isn't going to be jealous of the fact that you will be  spending more time guzzling down chocolate than watching a romantic movie.

If you are asking yourself, "Will I have an occasion to use this fountain in the future?", the answer is yes. It is a fountain that spouts pure chocolate. You can make up an occasion to utilize it.

And there you have it, folks, my picks for the Valentine's season! If you actually buy any of these products, let me know how it goes!

Note: Brittney does not assume any liability for the damage caused to you or your property upon gifting the items above; casualties not limited to getting thrown out of the house, yelled at, or broken up with. Although if any good things (i.e. hugs or kisses) occur as a result of your gift choice, Brittney will gladly take full responsibility.